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What Do You Scream? Find Out Who Did Halloween Best & Why
Date: 2006-11-14 13:14:29
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Hallowscreening next year’s parties.

By Jennifer Kruidbos

Another incredible Halloween has confirmed that October 31st is my favorite day of the year. No drug gives me the high that I get from getting dressed up, staying in character and talking complete nonsense to strangers. It seems that putting on a costume has all the positive, and none of the negative affects of alcohol. At Halloween parties people’s true personalities shine through, making it the ideal screening night for a new friend or romance.

Here’s how I screened people this year. Usually I avoid the hassle of talking to random male bar goers because they end up being creepy, but, armed in a bold costume, I distinguished interesting people from the bores based simply on their reactions. Brown leggings, a green top, a red wig and 25 red balloons made me a Cherry Tree. With a sharp screw as my tool, I invited only the luckiest of people to pop my cherry. Those who caught on right away and played along demonstrated their wit and intelligence, which permanently stamped their name on my list of people worth talking to. These clever folk would laugh, jokingly profess their love, pop a cherry with a moan, and then apologize, blaming the rapid and eventless pop on their long and stressful week. The creeps exposed themselves in 3 seconds (as opposed to the usual 20) by acting as though it was their god given right to deflower my overtly sexual costume.

armed in a bold costume, I distinguished interesting people from the bores based simply on their reactions.

Sleazy men and women would stumble over, seize a balloon in two hands and squeeze it until it burst, all the while grunting like Neanderthals. Fortunately, yelling ’I did NOT consent to that? RAPE!’ made them back away looking sheepish and confused. These guys obviously did not even try to grasp the double entendre of the costume, revealing that they were not worth a second more of my time. Pictured below are those who took my innocence.

Figure 1: He popped it with a smile.

Figure 2: She popped it with a gasp.

Figure 3: He meant to use just the tip but popped it by accident.

Figure 4: She made me part of the mile high club.

This Halloween I was lucky enough to celebrate Halloween three different times in three different cities: Montreal, New York, and Toronto. I realized Hallowscreening also reveals a city’s personality. Here is my 2006 rating of the three cities in which I had the pleasure of celebrating my favorite holiday:

First Place: New York: "We’re cool and we like to have a good time, ALL THE TIME."
Costumes decorated the streets all three nights of the Halloween weekend. New Yorkers have spirit and they don’t give a damn about looking cool which speaks volumes about how cool they really are. Excited shoppers cued up in lines extending half a block outside various costume stores, filling the daytime streets with buzzing enthusiasm, that forebode wild parties once the sun went down. And the parties were wild. Everyone let loose and looked ridiculous and fabulous. One man stumbled around sprayed head to toe in silly string. New York showed its carefree, confident culture by letting go of any self-consciences and giving in to the spooky tradition. People acted curiously impulsive and playful. I thought perhaps mischievous spirits were in fact making contact with those roaming the streets as I seemed delightfully affected by the impulsive and sneaky vibe New York exuded that weekend. At one packed club, I slipped a giant plastic samurai sword out of a giant samurai’s holster and proceeded to stab strangers in their butt cheeks, then got challenged by a Knight to fight it out. Just as victory was about to be mine, the Samurai emerged from the shadows and twisted the sword out of my hand and stormed off with it muttering, in a pissed off Napoleon Dynamite voice. What a wonderful conflict. We shed accepted social behavior and acted like children fighting over toys. This is what Halloween revealed about New York, that within an unforgivably cool city, people can easily and enthusiastically revert to being playful and carefree.

Runner Up: Toronto: "We are painstakingly creative."
Disclaimer: As a die hard Montrealer who loves nothing more than my city, it is difficult to admit that second place goes to Toronto. But as a writer, honesty condemns me to state that Toronto’s got Halloween down. The pictures of ingenious costumes reveal Tonrontonians creativity and dedication to Halloween.

Figure A: Look at the well crafted hands on the Lego man custom made to fit his beer jug.

Figure B: The Berlin Wall, entirely hand-painted

Figure C: April O’Neil filming a Hurricane.

Figure D: The latest Willy Wonka.

Figure E: Marie Antoinette.

Although the costumes are wildly impressive, they are telling of Toronto’s serious work ethic. Obviously an extreme amount of time and effort has gone into making the perfect costume for the perfect party, suggesting that they compensate for 51 weeks of the year where they surely do not enjoy themselves as much as New Yorkers and Montrealers. The hustle and bustle city dwellers are used to working hard and that is reflected in the high quality of their Halloween costumes.
Honourable Mention: Montreal: "We are so hip it hurts. Really, really hurts."
It kills me to write anything negative about my wonderful cultural city but celebrating a Montreal Halloween affirmed that indeed, Montreal is just too cool. The costumes were sparse and unoriginal. Clearly Montrealers are quite concerned with looking damn sexy and appearing blase about their damn sexiness. At a Halloween party at Medley I was certain I had stumbled into an underage strip club where a girl clad in grey booty shorts and matching bra claimed she was a mouse, while a girl in black booty shorts and matching bra was apparently a cat. This pattern was pretty constant, except for one blunt girl who said ’Lets call a spade a spade, I’m a slut.’ The lack of creative costumes for favor of scandalous outfits suggests that Montreal thinks looking good is more important than having fun.

Don’t think that I am criticizing one of this city’s most valuable resources ? our sexy, well-dressed women. I am (much to my boyfriend’s dismay) all for dressing scandalously to shake it on the dance floor but Halloween should be a time to get batty. It seems Montreal women misunderstood the tradition for a contest for the lightest, smallest costume. Those who didn’t dress slutty didn’t really dress up at all. The lack of costumes revealed that perhaps Montreal’s cooler than cool image has become only skin deep.

So to the wild partygoers: next year, I suggest taking advantage of the opportunity to let loose and make it an original night. Your costume doesn’t have to be fantastic, as long as it amuses you and is not something you would normally wear. Get into character. If you end up going home with someone, keep on your wig, wings, or armor for some naughty fun. A friend of mine was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and went home with Super Man (like Raphael, she was pretty cool but rude and made a crack about him being faster than a speeding bullet). You’ll probably have a blast as your new identity and may find that, like the New York samurai, an incomplete costume makes you feel incomplete. I got so attached to my new woody persona that five minutes after my last cherry got popped, I gave my full drink away, rounded up Little Bo Peep and The Pilot and left. Halloween is a time to relish your fantasies of shocking, scaring or humoring people in ways that show your clever blood and guts.

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