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What is it about the BAD BOYS we love so much?
By: Eleni Neo
Date: 2007-04-18 12:45:30
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WhatIf dating is about finding someone who you are compatible with and enjoy being with or maybe possibly spend the rest of your life with why is it we go after the men that don’t want to be with us?

Do we want the ones that don’t want us? What is it about people that makes them long for the ones that reject them? Is rejection a fear? Do we like the "bad boys"? Do we want to prove to ourselves that we are special? Why do we become obsessed with the idea of being rejected and chase it till we get accepted? Should Maslow’s need for belonging really be first rather then third in the pyramid?

Be smart about who you choose to fulfill your love needs. Make it worth your time and be realistic.

These are all questions I have asked myself over and over again. There are so many women I have spoken with that admit to chasing after the one that doesn’t give them the 100%. The one that doesn’t return phone calls; the one that makes excuses about missing a date; the one that people warn you about. When someone pays too much attention to us we get turned off. We call them names like stalker, obsessed, clingy and we say they are too much in our face. Anything to express that we are weirded out by their interest in us and attentiveness.

Conversely, when someone doesn’t call when they say they will we think about it all day while checking our cell phone and voice messages obsessively because maybe we missed a call while we were in a no service area. We ask our friends for advice? Do you think he will call? Why has he not called yet? Do you think he is seeing someone else?
I contribute this behavior to the need for belonging. Belonging to someone somehow or being a part of something which gives meaning and validation to our ordinary lives. We can not fathom the fact that we are not adored and needed. That feeling drives us crazy. Therefore in reality Maslows need for belonging should be number one in the pyramid of needs. Why should it be first you ask yourself? Is Maslow not right by putting, food, water, sleep and breathing as the most primitive? I say the answer is no when you think about extreme situations. Think about the last time you got badly rejected by a love interest. Were you able to eat? Or did you feel sick to your stomach? Were you able to sleep or did it keep you up all night in tears? Did you breath or gasped for air between non-stop spastic crying? And the last thing you thought about was water.

We are all confident when we are sure about a relationship. We think we have them whipped, eating at the palm of our hand. We are confident that they will never leave us. That they will do anything for us. We feel that in a deranged way they belong to us. In that state of mind we start to wonder and reevaluate the relationship with thoughts such as; Is he really for me? Can I do better? Maybe, I can get more from someone else. We find little mannerisms that we pick at such as we start to become annoyed by the way our partner eats or walks. We may stray because we feel bored and look elsewhere for someone to give us some excitement or keep us on our toes.
It is funny how the human mind operates. Now I am not saying that women or men should be rejected. All I am saying is that we have the need to belong. Whether it’s a social group, parent child relationship, friendship or a romantic relationship. We need to feel loved and wanted no matter what the circumstance but at the same time we take love and admiration from our partner for granted, when we should feel blessed that we have someone to care for us and love us. We have a need to overcome rejection by belonging. That somehow our confidence is shaken and getting the unattainable validates us. When we have this validation the person is of no use because it was the hunt we craved. Reaching that unattainable is what makes life interesting. We never stop and enjoy what we have.

So the next time you are in this predicament and are feeling either rejected or smothered take a step back and consciously evaluate what is happening with your emotions and why you are feeling the way you are. You shouldn’t fight it just understand it and acknowledge the fact that this is human behavior. We all need someone to care for us and love us. Be smart about who you choose to fulfill your love needs. Make it worth your time and be realistic.
  What is it about the BAD BOYS we love so much?
  What is it about the BAD BOYS we love so much?
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